“They luxuriated in the feeling of deep and all pervading satisfaction, a feeling of knowing absolutely that all was well with the world and them and that the world was not only their oyster it was also their linguine with clam sauce. Not only were all things possible, but all things were theirs. ”
― Hubert Selby Jr., Requiem for a Dream
Now in the seventh month of my journey, and before I left the Stone Barn, I felt that I “should”, for you the reader, be able to write an overview of what I have learned thus far. I made quite a number of frustrating starts, but there was no outcome that I was ready to share. My ego was alive and well coming up with questions and frustration as I pushed myself to produce something to post: Had I really learned anything worth sharing? Do I really want to blog any longer? (Some mornings the answer was “No.”) Am I obligated to be honest and vulnerable in cyberspace? And, of course, I was also making up a story about your expectations. The time has come that I am ready to share again.
I resonated with the words of Masando Hiraoka, in the October 2014 Science of Mind magazine when he stated that some on a spiritual quest are constantly trying to upgrade ourselves, much in the same way we upgrade to the latest cell phone technology. He states that the need to upgrade requires a certain level of dissatisfaction.
In that moment I recognized and acknowledged my life long low grade level of dissatisfaction. Nothing has ever been quite good enough, especially me. I have to admit an unconscious goal of the journey has been to achieve a spiritual upgrade. I see now that I have, also, been trying to “do it myself.” I have had an expectation that there will be a point in time when I am finally finished, finally “fixed” and therefore acceptable to the world.
Just the word “dissatisfaction” has been a huge gift. Now when I “feel” the energy of dissatisfaction, I am empowered to focus on something that satisfies me. And there are so many things for which I feel grateful.
Alan Watts, quoted this morning in the Daily Good says:
For the good to which we aspire exists only and always in the future…We get such a kick out of looking forward to pleasures and rushing ahead to meet them that we can’t slow down enough to enjoy them when they come. We are therefor a civilization which suffers from chronic disappointment…”
I often find myself projecting ahead into the future. My brother-in-law once observed about my family that we talked in glowing terms about the next meal while paying little attention to the food on the plates in front of us.
These days, I find myself worrying about where I will stay at the next location. There is an underlying fear that I won’t find a spot, or I won’t be able to afford it, or that it won’t be the “right” place for carrying out my nebulous purpose or, perhaps, I just want to know the future NOW. So I spend time on the internet exploring vacation rentals in location where I “might” be going next, rather than enjoy the perfect spot where I am at the moment.
Recently, I decided it was a good idea to secure a four month rental on an affordable condo on Lake Conroe near my old home. The agent responded that she would let me know about availability in a couple of days, but I never heard from her again. As it turns out, I found a little house in Biloxi, Mississippi for the last six weeks of the year, and a friend has offered her spare bedroom for the time I am in the Houston area.
Spirit is on the job. We are loved, guided and supported whether we know it or not. I am learning to notice the many satisfactions in this lifestyle, this moment, knowing that all is unfolding for the highest good. When I feel that twinge of dissatisfaction, I can choose to bring my attention back the satisfactions of the moment.